Hello,

Im sorry for the long silence... Ive been so incredible busy.. (that shouldnt be an excuse of course... :-s )

Its been 6 weeks now at conny janssen danst.. and its not easy. Its superhard work.. Some days my body is dead and it needs more energy, but I cant eat because I have no appetite. Some days Im so tired, but I cant sleep.

The group of dancers are nice.. Sometimes its difficult though, because we are with the 8 of us, and we are different personalities, with different opinios and feelings.. Its so different compared to Scapino. If I look back now Scapino was much more distant, there was more personal space. With Conny you need to communicate, you cant hide yourself or ignore others... If there is a problem you need to solve it immediatly.

The work itself is complicated for me. In the beginning I felt like a loser, a not-mover. I compared myself (and I still sometimes do) with the others.. Which is sometimes motivating (because they are so amazing), but sometimes is frustrating, because Ive still so much to learn.. And I feel a crap-dancer.

In the 4th week I had a really hard week, Conny pushed me at a certain moment and I couldnt handle it. I asked for a few minutes alone and I walked away.. I felt so bad. Conny came to me and we talked a bit. That was good, because she told me why she is pushing me. She pushes me because she sees me, she wants more because she sees there more to get out of me. More personality, more different colours. She says sometimes with my focus I keep myself back, I hide myself. Its like looking to something, but not really seeing it. I do this with my focus, I hold it back and I make myself boring and mysterious and not availeble.

Conny pushes my presence, she wants me to see, to feel, to sense. She wants me to use who I am, my personality. She wants me to be there! To be out. She wants to see ME, not a dancer who is doing some nice steps, she wants to see who I am. What I feel. What my life is like. I find this hard, somehow I succeed at some point (a few years ago) to cut of my feeling in dance. Its hard to open myself really honestly while Im dancing. The soul is out. its not there... its there, but not reacheble.. Its like Im untouchable..

And now Conny is pushing me to listen to my heart and soul.. and to open my focus and feel... Woooa, thats challenging. Its painfull, because I feel so naked, vulnerable and senstive when I open myself.. Sometimes Im scared of myself, scared for me. Strange no? Scared for what I may find in this body, soul and heart of mine.. I pretended to not feel for a long time, and now Im back.. shit man, its hard.

In the beginning when Conny came to me with critics or notes, or to work on a duet/trio.. I often almost had to cry because it felt so personal. Because I felt so uncomfortable. Now, its already better, I still find it hard to communicate so close with a choreographer (in that sense I still feel like a student with no experience), but at least I dont have to cry or feel the tendency to cry ;)

Coming sunday is the Premiere...... Im nervous like shit... Ive never been so nervous. Often I feel nerveus before a run, because I want to do a good job. So lets see with a real show.. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This coming week were in Roosendaal in the theater for montage. on thursday there is the first try-out in Roosendaal.. Than saterday the second try-out in Rotterdam. and on Sunday Afternoon the premiere in rotterdam schouwburg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck! And maybe see you there... (I hope so!)