Hello everyone,

How y' all doing?

this last whole week we were in roosendaal for montage. it was so different to be on stage, in a theater. I felt naked, uncomfortable and the opposite of calm.... SUPER STRESSED>> on last thursday we had a try-out in roosendaal, there were not many people (this was nice to get used to public again)...
But then one of the girls Lola got out of a lift wrong and she really hurt her ankle. so she went to the hospital.. and we made a plan B, just in case she couldnt dance. in the end nothing was broken or something in that direction, but she couldnt dance. so we did the try-out with 3 girls and 4 men.
the try out in roosendaal was for me very bad. i felt so nervous that I was not in the moment, I was not grounded at all.. pfff.. the worst thing was that I forgot to do something on stage... I just ran off stage and I forgot to do a part with christiana..... horrible....... so unfocused....... ofcourse it was hard because we changed so much stuff right before the try out because of the injury of lola... but still......

than on friday we had a day off... which was really nice and relaxing... watching avatar in pathe rotterdam with my lover....

than saterday rehearsel in rotterdam schouwburg and that evening try-out. in the rehearsel I hurt myself so badly.... I had to go to hospital to check if maybe my ribs were broken. I did a lift with two guys and somehow it went to wrong in the air...
the doctors said it was not broken, but maybe very bruised. minimum two weeks of rest and take painkillers was their advice. thats a nice advice if youre a dancer with a try-out that evening and a premiere the day after...
I decided to take painkillers and to perform the try-out. because conny told me if I wouldnt perform the try-out, i also couldnt do the premiere... So i decided to do it.
10 minutes bfore the show there was a chiropractor to fix my back, because maybe he could fix my ribs and put back my back straight. after 10 minutes I ran to the dressing room, put on my costume and a bit of deodorant.. and ran to the stage... I didnt fix my hair, I didnt wear make up or anything....
the try-out went ok for me. I was on fire for my feeling, because there was so much adrealine and no nerves because I had to focus on my body to decrease the pain, and I took so many painkillers that I felt a bit high. I didnt care I had no make-up I just wanted to do the performence and the show to be over.. there were a lot of people, the whole schouwburg sold out for the try-out.

sundaymorning..... Ive never had so much pain in my life before.... with every breath it felt as if somebody put a knife between my ribs... But I had to do the show in the afternoon 16.30 premiere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I took paracetamol again, I tried to eat something, somehow I was nervous as hell...... I wanted it to be over... I had so much pain. The pain was worse because the day before the chiropractor was really hard on me.. and the day after there is 'after-pain' on top of the normal pain because of the treatment..
anyway, the show started and it was so hard. I had to focus on my breathing, and that was horrible.. I couldnt breathe... when I inhaled it just couldnt go.... i couldnt breath in.... when the show was almost over; we were on stage to get applause I felt so dizzy... and when they run on stage again to get applause I couldnt... I collapsed... I couldnt breathe and started to hyperventilate and to panick.....
after a while I couldnt breathe again... but it was so painfull... after the show I didnt want to see anybody because the show felt really bad for me... I couldnt give all I had, even though I tried...
I just pickup up my parents and they took me home to my parents place.. my dad made an appointment with a friend a him, a manual therapiste.
this morning i went to her. she checked me and she found out I have a few tears in a few muscles in between my ribs... thats why its hurting like hell.. its one of the most painfull injuries, because its moving all the time... when youre inhaling exhaling etc etc... thats also a reason why it heals so slow... but she said Im young so maybe it will heal faster.. I hope so... would be nice to take a deep breathe....

anyway this is it for now, will write more later....

Hello,

Im sorry for the long silence... Ive been so incredible busy.. (that shouldnt be an excuse of course... :-s )

Its been 6 weeks now at conny janssen danst.. and its not easy. Its superhard work.. Some days my body is dead and it needs more energy, but I cant eat because I have no appetite. Some days Im so tired, but I cant sleep.

The group of dancers are nice.. Sometimes its difficult though, because we are with the 8 of us, and we are different personalities, with different opinios and feelings.. Its so different compared to Scapino. If I look back now Scapino was much more distant, there was more personal space. With Conny you need to communicate, you cant hide yourself or ignore others... If there is a problem you need to solve it immediatly.

The work itself is complicated for me. In the beginning I felt like a loser, a not-mover. I compared myself (and I still sometimes do) with the others.. Which is sometimes motivating (because they are so amazing), but sometimes is frustrating, because Ive still so much to learn.. And I feel a crap-dancer.

In the 4th week I had a really hard week, Conny pushed me at a certain moment and I couldnt handle it. I asked for a few minutes alone and I walked away.. I felt so bad. Conny came to me and we talked a bit. That was good, because she told me why she is pushing me. She pushes me because she sees me, she wants more because she sees there more to get out of me. More personality, more different colours. She says sometimes with my focus I keep myself back, I hide myself. Its like looking to something, but not really seeing it. I do this with my focus, I hold it back and I make myself boring and mysterious and not availeble.

Conny pushes my presence, she wants me to see, to feel, to sense. She wants me to use who I am, my personality. She wants me to be there! To be out. She wants to see ME, not a dancer who is doing some nice steps, she wants to see who I am. What I feel. What my life is like. I find this hard, somehow I succeed at some point (a few years ago) to cut of my feeling in dance. Its hard to open myself really honestly while Im dancing. The soul is out. its not there... its there, but not reacheble.. Its like Im untouchable..

And now Conny is pushing me to listen to my heart and soul.. and to open my focus and feel... Woooa, thats challenging. Its painfull, because I feel so naked, vulnerable and senstive when I open myself.. Sometimes Im scared of myself, scared for me. Strange no? Scared for what I may find in this body, soul and heart of mine.. I pretended to not feel for a long time, and now Im back.. shit man, its hard.

In the beginning when Conny came to me with critics or notes, or to work on a duet/trio.. I often almost had to cry because it felt so personal. Because I felt so uncomfortable. Now, its already better, I still find it hard to communicate so close with a choreographer (in that sense I still feel like a student with no experience), but at least I dont have to cry or feel the tendency to cry ;)

Coming sunday is the Premiere...... Im nervous like shit... Ive never been so nervous. Often I feel nerveus before a run, because I want to do a good job. So lets see with a real show.. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This coming week were in Roosendaal in the theater for montage. on thursday there is the first try-out in Roosendaal.. Than saterday the second try-out in Rotterdam. and on Sunday Afternoon the premiere in rotterdam schouwburg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck! And maybe see you there... (I hope so!)